Each and every one of us experiences all of those things at different times, however, it does make you stop and think when someone feels the need to remind you of this. Particularly on Mum's birthday when the lingering grief was a little more raw. While I was seeking a distraction that day, I can't say this was the form of distraction I was looking for.
It did, however, provide an opportunity for a reflection on life and where I currently fit into it.
There may also have been a tinge of unhealthy obsession on those words and what they've meant throughout my life. I got to wondering about whether I am too wrapped up in things that are influencing me at present. Am I too selfish nowadays? Am I not able to make decisions on my own or have my own thoughts about things if they are different to others? Where do I actually fit into the equation and do I fit at all?
What can I say? Classic over-thinker! Sometimes I let things get to me a little more than I should and then I get a little defensive. I'm human and I am by no means perfect, let alone anywhere near it. Let's face it though, it hurts when people challenge you or question whether you are being considerate of others.
Growing up, this was not so much a frequent phrase but the gist of the sentiment was to 'stop whinging, there are always others much worse off than you' or 'you have nothing to complain about and if you keep up the whinging, I'll give you something to whinge about'. I'm sure many of us heard those words or something similar at some time or another when we were kids.
As a result, I grew up to be somewhat of a 'people-pleaser' and did what ever I could to make those around me happy. Regardless of whether it was what I wanted, believed in or felt strongly about. For much of my life, I put my own wants/needs/dreams aside for those I was closest to. Some might say it's part of the conditioning and/or expectations of women, others may believe those expectations don't discriminate and can be something both men and women do.
Either way, it's not entirely healthy. The whole notion of 'selfish' usually has such a negative spin to it, yet there's no allowance in that line of thinking for the focus on ones self when we need to.
I agree there are definitely times for compromise, after all, day to day life is often all about compromise, is it not? Shall I take this road to town or that road? I love the drive on this road and it's usually quicker, but I have to do x, y and z this morning which are all closer to that road, so I'll take that one. A very simple example, but you get what I mean.
Anyway, I eventually learned it was also important to stand up for myself and there are times when it is perfectly okay not to compromise. Unfortunately, I'm not always good at this standing up for myself and can sometimes go a little overboard as I try to find the right balance.
That said, we are all responsible for our own happiness, as in it's an inside job and not anyone else's responsibility in any shape or form. Now I'm in my, gulp, 50's (how the heck did that happen so fast!) it is up to me to start making decisions and doing what feels right for me.
It does not mean I don't care about others at all. It means I am finally respecting myself enough to do and express the things that are important to me. Much of my work has been with vulnerable people, I have volunteered for many years and have always tried my best to be available in some way when my family or close friends have needed me. I think those things surely speak for themselves when it comes to being very aware it's not all about me. And yes, I admit there are still plenty of times when I do things I don't particularly want to do because it makes someone else happier.
However, again it's about balance which can be quite a juggling act at times. Staying true to myself while caring about those I love. I guess to some extent it's also about boundaries. How much I'm willing to take on before I need to set a boundary for my own self care. I've not always been good at the self care thing either, but at least I now recognise when I need to take time out.
Coming to NZ to live was a combination of things. It was following a dream, it was about ensuring I don't get to the end of my life with big regrets as Mum did, but it was also in part about self care. As mentioned, I've spent a lot of time caring for others - family, friends, people in our community and this trip is caring for me. So in that sense, I guess you could say this trip is all about me.
My decision on what to do with my life while I'm here and at the end of 12 months here, is again, all about me and what feels right for me. It's taken me a lifetime to get to this point where I've started to treat myself as I treat those around me - with care, compassion and respect. It also takes a myriad of factors into consideration - some about me, others not but essentially the final decision about my life and what I do with it sits with me.
I have to admit, I had some fairly firm expectations of what I'd do while here and I'm a little disappointed with myself that I've not followed through with some of them. There are obviously various reasons I've not followed through, including a lack of time management - although this was partly about wanting to relax and just soak things up which I've loved every moment of, financial limitations and sometimes simply not setting boundaries where I needed to.
Life is one big learning curve though and there is plenty I've learnt since moving here and while I've not seen or done everything I had hoped to by now, I am deeply grateful I have had the opportunity to come on this adventure and experience so much already.
One of the things I love about travelling alone is that I can change my mind at the drop of a hat. I can decide to do a day trip at the last minute, I can change my mind on a weekend away I was thinking of doing, I can stop and take a gazillion photo's if I want to and I can sit in a cafe with a chai and my journal for as long as it takes me to write what I want to write.
The last couple of weeks have been a little rough at times with the anniversary of Mum's passing, her birthday and Mother's Day all falling within two weeks. I am probably a little more sensitive at the moment, so made plans for the two weekends I thought may be the hardest to handle in order to have some distraction and time out.
Two weeks ago, I went and stayed at a beautiful little B & B out in the country about half an hour or so from Christchurch. On the anniversary of Mum's passing, I did a nature cruise out from Akaroa. I found the history of the area fascinating and was told Akaroa Harbour is in a volcanic crater that had the side blown out during the last eruption which had allowed the Pacific Ocean to come in and form the harbour.
You can see the volcanic layers in the rock and there are many little caves formed from bubbles in the lava. There is plenty of bird life, some with intriguing hierarchy such as the shags - remember the saying shag on a rock? haha, I think that's where it comes from! The mature shags get to sit on white rocks set a little higher and the juvenile shags are not allowed there, they have to stay on the lower rocks nearby.
There were plenty of NZ fur seal pups playing in pools created by the volcanic rock and some seemed to love having an audience to show off to. In this part of the coastline, the world's smallest dolphins can be found. The Hector Dolphins are endangered, rather cute, very energetic and were somewhat elusive the day I was out. I did see a couple of small pods but not for long, so I would love to go back again some day and hopefully see more of them.
On my way back from Akaroa, I went for a drive up to an Alpaca Farm near Barry's Bay. Not to do a farm tour, but to check out the alpaca yarn. Mind you, the alpaca's are gorgeous too and had the most magnificent view from the top of a mountain across the bay.
The road up to the farm is a steep uphill one way drive winding up around the mountain with nowhere to pull over and take pics. At the top, they have to call someone to check the road and stay at the bottom to ensure no one else starts to drive up, before you can make the drive back down. As for the alpaca yarn, it's beautiful and ever so soft. And yes, some followed me home.
The next morning I went into Christchurch to a farmers market at Riccarton which was in one of the most picturesque areas I've seen for a market. Thoroughly enjoyed it despite the drizzling rain and had the best chai ever from a stall called The Chai Tent.
Before leaving Christchurch, I went into have a look at the 185 Empty White Chairs in the city. It is a beautiful, poignant and sobering memorial to the 185 people who lost their lives in the 2011 earthquake. Life certainly can not be taken for granted.
The Hororata Night Glow, a hot air balloon festival, was scheduled to take place on the Saturday night. Unfortunately, due to bad weather, it was postponed until the following night with the proviso that it would definitely go ahead, however, if the bad weather continued the balloons would not be performing. When I say performing, they were going to be lit up against the night sky.
On the Sunday morning, after heavy rain all night and still more heavy rain, I made the decision to head home. It rained heavily for much of the way and thankfully, flooding in a couple of areas had subsided enough for me to get through without any hassle. I found out the next day the balloons ended up going ahead after the weather cleared in the afternoon. Ah well, I will just have to return another time!
The exciting part for me that day was coming into Tekapo and I noticed the rain was making a slightly different noise when it hit the windscreen. A few moments later, I realised it was sleet and it wasn't too long before it was snowing. I was thrilled and of course, had to stop to take photo's and a short video clip. I wonder if that sense of excitement will wear off by the time mid winter rolls around!
On my next weekend off, I went for a day trip to St Bathan's which was once a thriving, bustling gold mining town. It now has less than 10 inhabitants, no shops and one hotel that opens daily for meals. It's reportedly haunted and you can stay overnight in Room 1 with the ghost of Rose if you so desire.
The town is set adjacent to Blue Lake which was man made for sluicing when they were gold mining. The lake is stunning on a clear day and mirrors the surroundings perfectly.
This last weekend was a very unsettled one for me. I had originally decided to go to Mt Cook for the weekend, however, the weather forecast was not great so I decided to cancel those plans and stay a little closer to home. Mt Cook is one of those remote places that is spectacular when the weather is fine but not really visible when it's raining and I didn't fancy doing any walks in the cold and rain.
Instead I read a book, went to the movies at my favourite theatre and saw The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, then the next day checked out the little cinema and bookstore at Arrowtown. Perhaps I shouldn't mention it is basically across from the wool store and I really should not go in just to 'look', because it always turns into a little more than looking!
Speaking of wool and knitting, I'm very much enjoying this creative foray with yarn and have now produced a couple of hopefully useful items with a few new projects lined up.
All in all, this post has been a rather deep and meaningful reflective type of post, so I thank you if you've waded through my whining and self reflection to make it all the way to the end.
Until next time...
