Trying to stay positive while feeling overwhelmed. Now, isn’t that just a bundle of fun to try and navigate! I promise this isn't going to be a full on rambling negative post, rather a 'this is where I've been and a where to from here' kind of a post. So after returning from NZ, life has been something along these lines. Warning - it's going to sound a bit like a verbal vomit to start with!
When you feel you’ve made a massive mistake and you’re trying not to beat yourself up about it because there were sound reasons for doing what you did. When you struggle to get out of bed some days and don’t want to leave the house but you do because you have to. When you can’t get out of your own way to do much that’s productive. When you feel crappy despite the fact you can usually manage to plaster a smile on your face and act ‘normal’ whatever normal is. Or when you feel crappy one minute, okay the next and you feel a sudden little burst of energy or the I can do this, or it’s all good, it’s part of the plan and you’re all good for a few hours maybe even a day or so, then you crash again.
When you feel you’ve made a massive mistake and you’re trying not to beat yourself up about it because there were sound reasons for doing what you did. When you struggle to get out of bed some days and don’t want to leave the house but you do because you have to. When you can’t get out of your own way to do much that’s productive. When you feel crappy despite the fact you can usually manage to plaster a smile on your face and act ‘normal’ whatever normal is. Or when you feel crappy one minute, okay the next and you feel a sudden little burst of energy or the I can do this, or it’s all good, it’s part of the plan and you’re all good for a few hours maybe even a day or so, then you crash again.
When you couldn’t be bothered cooking decent meals sometimes and your freezer isn’t big enough to create a bunch of freezer meals on the good days in preparation for the not so good days, while still being grateful and loving the fact you actually have a fridge/freezer after living with a tiny bar fridge for 8 months. And ta daaa.. the last gem (it's a long one that totally ignores the rules of grammar just like the one above) - when you feel even crappier for feeling the way you feel because you also feel don’t really have any good reason to feel that way and because you are so incredibly fortunate you have had the experience of your life and although you didn’t want to come back, you’ve been lucky enough to return to a good job and live in a nice little unit that's handy to everything with water front views, hence you have no damn right to feel so down in the dumps.
Phew! Big eh? Round and round that's gone on, hand in hand with a big sense of de-ja-vu. Without meaning to come across as a spoilt petulant child for the whingy-ness above, the adjustment to returning has been a wilder, more challenging ride than I ever anticipated. Add to that some other personal stuff (apologies for the word stuff but it's one of those words than can cover anything and everything, including those you don't know how or don't want to put a label on or don't want to share in a public forum as such), feeling homesick for NZ, missing my family even though I've been living away from them for 4 years and it makes for a big old cauldron of issues simmering away.
Clearly, I couldn't continue on this path and lead an altogether functional life at the same time. I needed to find some strategies to manage this mess of yuck I was feeling. Any one of those things on their own can be enough to deal with but it seemed like I was in a cycle of one constantly feeding into another, if that makes sense.
I also felt that it was becoming somewhat self-indulgent to keep letting this get on top of me to the degree it was. I was starting to become a little scared that I would get stuck in this space of not feeling good. It's a weird mix of feeling an enormous sense of gratitude and appreciation for the wonderful year I'd had and then feeling guilty for feeling so bad now. So I set about looking at what I could do to minimise the impact this was having.
For me, that's not only about pulling everything back to the basics, but also about planning ahead. I'm one of those people who needs to have something to look forward to, some smaller goals and at least one bigger one. I need to look at the smaller stuff so I can work my way through to the bigger stuff and identify what I need to do in between to achieve it and scatter some things to look forward to along the way, regularly spaced out of course!
Where to start! That in itself can be bigger than Ben Hur. Basically just pick a place, any place and start. I've found it doesn't matter where I start, once I have a pen and journal of some description in my hand, (particularly one with dividers for those of us who love stationery porn) it just kind of comes together.
One of the first things I did was look at my finances. There were some things there I wanted to sort and I have gone as far as looking 6 months ahead in detail. I had also attended a Women and Finance workshop just after returning to Townsville and then did a short course to follow up. It gave me more food for thought and I acted on some of the hints and tips given there. Once I knew all was relatively okay there and I had a plan for moving forward, I was more at ease with all of that.
As noted numerous times, I have felt homesick for New Zealand which I know seems crazy when I wasn't born and raised there. However, that's the best way I know to describe how I feel. So I set about putting up a couple of panoramic postcards and some other photo's I took over there at home and at work. If I'm feeling lost or in turmoil, they are grounding for me and have a sense of peace about them.
Getting rid of things or distancing myself from situations that make me feel bad and/or are dysfunctional in some way has helped hugely. It's amazing how much of an impact this has on how I feel at any given time.
I leave my personal phone on silent not only at work, but also at home now. That also brings me a sense of peace rather than being a source of anxiety and stress each time it makes a noise. When I do catch up with my family and friends by phone or Skype, I tend to have longer conversations with them.
I am trying to eat better. I'm not always successful with that, but I'm certainly putting in a lot more effort than I was. I've started taking some vitamins and am mostly remembering to take them daily. I'm going to bed earlier and enjoying a mug of herb tea beforehand. My current favourite is a blend of chamomile and spearmint.
I started a knitting group and while I had initially aimed to host the group weekly, I found it too much when I was struggling to do the day to day stuff so I changed it to fortnightly and that works well. There are times when I still have to force myself to get out and attend, however, I always enjoy the interaction once I'm there and it keeps me knitting which I find relaxing.
Each week I set myself some small goals to achieve. I don't always achieve all of them but I'm mostly achieving at least half, often more. They are nothing earth shattering and sometimes just revolve around the day to day things that we do in our lives, but it helps to remind me that I'm moving and doing things and basically functioning.
I've started planning a return trip to NZ. I've not made solid plans as yet such as booking flights, but I have a vague time frame and have mapped out what I'd like to do in the days when I first arrive.
I have managed to catch up with all of my immediate family again now since my return and have just had an early Christmas celebration with my sons and their families. There is a new baby due to join the family in January and while again, I don't have a solid time frame yet, I am looking forward to flying to Brisbane to meet the baby once he or she arrives.
I want to do some writing, as in a bigger chunk of work. I have a bunch of ideas going through my head, so at the moment, I'm trying to capture those thoughts on paper in dot point form so I can hopefully string it all together.
I listen to my body more. Basically, if I'm tired, I rest. If I'm not feeling social or I'm feeling sad/out of sorts/peopled out, then I do whatever it is I need to do to feel okay. Sometimes this is a shower/bath with no lights on or just a candle burning. Sometimes I read, sometimes I knit (speaking of which, I've completed some projects that I'm delighted with), sometimes I write letters, sometimes I walk or go sit on the rocks and look for turtles, although it's so stinking hot and humid here that the walking and watching for turtles is an occasional thing at the moment rather than a regular thing.
Once a day, usually first thing in the morning when it's just coming light and everything is quiet, I take the time to jot down the things I appreciate and am grateful for. It helps immensely. I have also printed a page and pinned it on the wall next to my bed where I see it before I go to sleep and when I first wake up with words by Melody Beattie about gratitude.
Phew! Big eh? Round and round that's gone on, hand in hand with a big sense of de-ja-vu. Without meaning to come across as a spoilt petulant child for the whingy-ness above, the adjustment to returning has been a wilder, more challenging ride than I ever anticipated. Add to that some other personal stuff (apologies for the word stuff but it's one of those words than can cover anything and everything, including those you don't know how or don't want to put a label on or don't want to share in a public forum as such), feeling homesick for NZ, missing my family even though I've been living away from them for 4 years and it makes for a big old cauldron of issues simmering away.
Clearly, I couldn't continue on this path and lead an altogether functional life at the same time. I needed to find some strategies to manage this mess of yuck I was feeling. Any one of those things on their own can be enough to deal with but it seemed like I was in a cycle of one constantly feeding into another, if that makes sense.
I also felt that it was becoming somewhat self-indulgent to keep letting this get on top of me to the degree it was. I was starting to become a little scared that I would get stuck in this space of not feeling good. It's a weird mix of feeling an enormous sense of gratitude and appreciation for the wonderful year I'd had and then feeling guilty for feeling so bad now. So I set about looking at what I could do to minimise the impact this was having.
For me, that's not only about pulling everything back to the basics, but also about planning ahead. I'm one of those people who needs to have something to look forward to, some smaller goals and at least one bigger one. I need to look at the smaller stuff so I can work my way through to the bigger stuff and identify what I need to do in between to achieve it and scatter some things to look forward to along the way, regularly spaced out of course!
Where to start! That in itself can be bigger than Ben Hur. Basically just pick a place, any place and start. I've found it doesn't matter where I start, once I have a pen and journal of some description in my hand, (particularly one with dividers for those of us who love stationery porn) it just kind of comes together.
One of the first things I did was look at my finances. There were some things there I wanted to sort and I have gone as far as looking 6 months ahead in detail. I had also attended a Women and Finance workshop just after returning to Townsville and then did a short course to follow up. It gave me more food for thought and I acted on some of the hints and tips given there. Once I knew all was relatively okay there and I had a plan for moving forward, I was more at ease with all of that.
As noted numerous times, I have felt homesick for New Zealand which I know seems crazy when I wasn't born and raised there. However, that's the best way I know to describe how I feel. So I set about putting up a couple of panoramic postcards and some other photo's I took over there at home and at work. If I'm feeling lost or in turmoil, they are grounding for me and have a sense of peace about them.
Getting rid of things or distancing myself from situations that make me feel bad and/or are dysfunctional in some way has helped hugely. It's amazing how much of an impact this has on how I feel at any given time.
I leave my personal phone on silent not only at work, but also at home now. That also brings me a sense of peace rather than being a source of anxiety and stress each time it makes a noise. When I do catch up with my family and friends by phone or Skype, I tend to have longer conversations with them.
I am trying to eat better. I'm not always successful with that, but I'm certainly putting in a lot more effort than I was. I've started taking some vitamins and am mostly remembering to take them daily. I'm going to bed earlier and enjoying a mug of herb tea beforehand. My current favourite is a blend of chamomile and spearmint.
I started a knitting group and while I had initially aimed to host the group weekly, I found it too much when I was struggling to do the day to day stuff so I changed it to fortnightly and that works well. There are times when I still have to force myself to get out and attend, however, I always enjoy the interaction once I'm there and it keeps me knitting which I find relaxing.
Each week I set myself some small goals to achieve. I don't always achieve all of them but I'm mostly achieving at least half, often more. They are nothing earth shattering and sometimes just revolve around the day to day things that we do in our lives, but it helps to remind me that I'm moving and doing things and basically functioning.
I've started planning a return trip to NZ. I've not made solid plans as yet such as booking flights, but I have a vague time frame and have mapped out what I'd like to do in the days when I first arrive.
I have managed to catch up with all of my immediate family again now since my return and have just had an early Christmas celebration with my sons and their families. There is a new baby due to join the family in January and while again, I don't have a solid time frame yet, I am looking forward to flying to Brisbane to meet the baby once he or she arrives.
I want to do some writing, as in a bigger chunk of work. I have a bunch of ideas going through my head, so at the moment, I'm trying to capture those thoughts on paper in dot point form so I can hopefully string it all together.
I listen to my body more. Basically, if I'm tired, I rest. If I'm not feeling social or I'm feeling sad/out of sorts/peopled out, then I do whatever it is I need to do to feel okay. Sometimes this is a shower/bath with no lights on or just a candle burning. Sometimes I read, sometimes I knit (speaking of which, I've completed some projects that I'm delighted with), sometimes I write letters, sometimes I walk or go sit on the rocks and look for turtles, although it's so stinking hot and humid here that the walking and watching for turtles is an occasional thing at the moment rather than a regular thing.
Once a day, usually first thing in the morning when it's just coming light and everything is quiet, I take the time to jot down the things I appreciate and am grateful for. It helps immensely. I have also printed a page and pinned it on the wall next to my bed where I see it before I go to sleep and when I first wake up with words by Melody Beattie about gratitude.
I try not to feel guilty about the way I've been feeling. It is what it is and that's okay. By being pro-active about finding strategies to manage it, I'm already having more better days than not so good days. Yes, I still feel blah from time to time but it's not as frequent, it's generally less intense and by reminding myself that I have some plans in place and a purpose to what I'm doing, then it eases and I get on with my day.
Well that's enough waffling from me. If you made it this far, thank you. I promise to write a more upbeat post next time! And just because I can, here's a couple of my favourite pics.
