If only...

For as long as I can remember, my mother has wanted to go to New Zealand. She also wanted to visit Tasmania and England, however, New Zealand was by far top of her list.

Over the years whenever she raised the idea with Dad, there always seemed to be some reason why now wasn't a good time or it couldn't happen until something else happened first. One of Dad's favourite sayings was you don't visit other countries until you've explored your own. However, that didn't happen either.

Mum had just gone into a nursing home when I took my first trip to NZ in 2012 and she was so excited for me. When I came home, she was keen to hear all the details and look at the multitude of pics I'd taken.

In 2013 I went to Hobart with friends for a week to celebrate a big birthday.

Then early 2014 I had a very quick trip to Wanaka to scope out possibilities for hosting a women's retreat followed by two more weeks in the South Island later that year.

It was during this trip, I did a lot more exploring of the South Island. Mum and I had spoke a few times on the phone during that time, however, I remember one conversation very clearly. 

I was sitting by the lake in Te Anau and she was asking about all I'd seen and was wanting to know about my favourite places. She then asked would I take her with me on my next trip and show her all my favourite places plus any other places I thought she'd like. 

It ended up being somewhat of an emotional conversation, particularly with Mum reflecting that it had been the one thing in life she'd wanted to do above anything else and was the most elusive. For Mum, the emotion was around the possibility of realising a long held dream and for me, knowing that I may be able to somehow facilitate that dream coming true.

It also made me deeply aware of my own mortality on so many levels. I was already at a point where I had started thinking I would like to spend some time living in NZ, however, this was to be at least an 18 months to two year plan. 

Mum was thrilled when I mentioned my dream and has been my biggest champion for following this dream. She has often reminded me that now is my time, my children have all grown up and I have no ties. She told me over and over do not let anyone stop you, no matter who it is or what happens in your future, because once the time that provides the opportunity is gone, it's gone for good (meaning age, health and life itself).

In the meantime, my sister and I started exploring whether this trip for Mum would be possible. We knew realistically the trip would be far more manageable with both of us to help with her day to day care and for managing those sometimes challenging moments.

Mum was no spring chicken and she was in the early-mid stages of dementia. She still had some mobility but required a wheelie walker as her balance was unsteady. Due to her dementia, Mum was also unable to do things on her own and experienced some confusion, particularly when away from everything familiar. 

So the logistics of such a trip were huge. We thought about what we'd need to do to pull off such a trip. Her passport, ensuring she was well enough to travel, where we could go that wasn't too difficult for her to get to and enjoy, and aligning our leave from work so we could all go together.

The last thing that came into play was not only the question of whether Mum physically able to do such a trip, but was she able to emotionally and mentally. This was a big consideration given we'd flown her up to Cairns to visit my brother and Dad just a few months prior to my NZ trip and it had been an unmitigated disaster from one end to the other for a variety of reasons, but mostly due to her confusion levels ramping up a notch or 16 once she was away from home.

Over the next couple of months, I'd considered where exactly in the South Island we could go. She was keen to visit my favourite places which meant Wanaka was the top of the list! 

She would love the Wanaka Lavender Farm that opened a few years ago. It's open through the spring and summer months and has become a favourite place to visit. (Photo below is from newsroom.co.nz)

Mum has always been bit of a foodie and I'm pretty sure she would love Florence's Food Store and Cafe as it is a foodie's heaven! You can browse for ages in there and despite your best resolve, still walk out with an armful of goodies. The food pic isn't mine, however, the following one of the view is one I took on my last visit.

Near Cromwell, there is a cheese factory I doubt she could resist. They serve delicious platters and it's worth the effort to stop in at Gibbston Valley Cheese.

Another place outside of Wanaka I'm sure she'd love is Lake Tekapo, especially the little church that sits by the lake.

Sadly, it started to became obvious as her dementia deteriorated, that this trip to NZ was unlikely to happen. 

We then considered whether we could do something similar in Tasmania thinking it was within the country and there are some similarities in countryside. The more we looked at what was achievable for her and how we would need to manage it, the more it became apparent that this trip was no longer possible for her.

I was devastated. Devastated for her because she was now beyond the point of being able to fulfill her biggest dream and devastated for me because in a short space of time, the opportunity to help her realise that dream had been whisked away not just by her physical health but also by this horrid thing called dementia. 

If only I'd thought of taking her along on that first trip, when although it may have held it's challenges, it probably still would have been possible.

Two years down the track, Mum's dementia has continued to march on. Sometimes she knows me, other times she's unsure who I am. She recently had a bad fall and we were advised she was unlikely to survive more than a few days. I visited her last week and a new staff member introduced herself to Mum, saying she was originally from NZ. Mum roused enough to say my daughter is going to take me to NZ. Absolutely bittersweet.

One thing I've learned from all this is to not let go of your dreams. Don't allow other people come between you and your dreams. Don't become so disheartened by life, that you decide for whatever reason not to follow your dream. 

I don't want to end up in the sunset years of my life with a bunch of regrets like my beloved Mum.

I've become so conscious of how short life is, how quickly the years slip by and how important it is to actively pursue our dreams. I'm not going to let anything stand between me and my dream of living in NZ for a while. I plan to spend a year over there and then decide whether I wish to return or stay. 

Making this decision and setting a time frame has been a little daunting but wildly exciting and I can hardly wait for this new adventure.