For the love of New Zealand: Picking up the pieces...

Grief is a strange thing isn't it? It can provide you with moments of clarity, offer the opportunity to reassess where you are in life and what you really want from life, and it can bring a sense of gratitude for what you have and all you've experienced thus far.

However, it can also broadside you, be relentless at times and then it has this little habit of popping up when you least expect it. I know grief is inevitable when we lose a loved one, even when we know they are not long for this world and I've experienced that before, as many of us have.

With Mum's passing though, I found myself a little unprepared for the path that lay ahead. I made the mistake of thinking the experience of grief may not be quite as intense and may be somewhat lessened by the fact that the Mum we knew and loved had been slowly slipping away from us the last few years due to dementia. Plus we also had a little advanced notice of her expected passing due to a fall she had 3 weeks prior.

But grief doesn't work that way and it's not prescriptive at all. It's almost like it has a mind of it's own and we just have to hang on for the ride, through the ups and downs.

As mentioned often throughout my posts, my dream for some time now has been to move to Wanaka and over the last 12 months I've been actively pursuing that dream, slowly but surely putting plans in place and taking steps for this to happen.

What's been unexpected, has been the indecision that's suddenly come along with this grief stuff. I'm usually a person who has no problems making a decision. I may take time to think something through, but once I know what feels right for me, I go ahead with the decision making part.

All of a sudden, I'm in no mans land with the decision making, including decisions I've already made and committed to, not to mention the things I want to do! I seem to be second guessing everything, worrying about the what ifs more than ever and wondering about all the things that didn't really concern me before. To the point where I may change my mind a dozen times or more within a short space of time.

And yes, it's happening with my plans for NZ. Plans that are already in progress. Plans that I really don't want to change because in my heart of hearts, this is what I want and where I want to be. Plans that if there were any way possible, I would bring them forward because if I could be there now, I would be.

Yet here I am thinking up all kinds of crazy contingencies and being suddenly hesitant to make firm decisions. This is despite the fact I am more than ready to move away from where I'm currently living to a land with it's beautiful lakes and snow capped mountains that has been calling me loudly for the last few years.

It's also something my beloved mother wholeheartedly supported. She was excited for me and wanted me to follow that dream, to not let anyone or anything hold me back. So why this sudden indecision and the lack of faith and confidence around it all? I have no idea! It's driving me bonkers. Some days I can successfully put it aside and other days not.

At the moment, I'm away on a mini retreat up in the beautiful Atherton Tablelands in a little place called Yungaburra. A perfect little spot to have some quiet time out, to reflect, to think, to dream, to do as little or as much as I want, to not have to talk to anyone, be anywhere or do anything specific.. just to be!

As always, NZ is in the forefront of my mind. My longing to spend a longer period of time in Wanaka has not lessened. I also want to explore other places while I'm there. I just have to figure out the logistics - or perhaps that's where I'm going wrong, trying to figure it all out. Perhaps it's one of those times that I need to just let go and have faith that all will be as it's meant to be.

I want nothing more at this point in time than to go to this place that's found it's way into my heart and soul. A place where I can be brave and go horse riding for the first time in 30+ years!