It has been a year since Mum passed. A year of reflection, change, sadness, joy and on occasions that almost overwhelming grief. So many things I would still love to do with her, conversations to have over a cup of tea or a lovely meal, experiences to share and enjoy. Our time is so precious, isn't it?
I found Mum's funeral awful, not just for the obvious reasons but because it seemed so impersonal. I have to share some of the blame for that. I made an assumption that the minister leading Mum's funeral knew her well. It seems he didn't and instead her funeral service came across more as a sermon rather than the celebration of a life well lived.
There was no sharing of Mum's story, who she was, what she was about, what was important to her (other than her faith) and the life she lived. It was a missed opportunity to share about all those special things that made Mum who she was. She had strength and grace and a great sense of humour. While she had some views I didn't always agree with (I'm sure that's the same for many parent/child relationships!), she had a depth of compassion that I've come to appreciate more and more as I've grown older. She is missed in so many ways!
My move to NZ was something I had been mulling over for some time. When Mum passed, I found myself in turmoil, struggling to make a decision one way or another, then doubting decisions I had made. Eventually through it all, I decided to go ahead and take this year as some time out to reflect, to write and to explore the world around me a little more.
I also wanted to have a little space to deal with the grief or to be honest, to fill my life with new experiences in a bid to try not to think about it all so much. But grief's not like that is it? We can't run away from it, doesn't matter where we are.
I've always been aware of that and I guess I just thought this would be another, perhaps more positive way to deal with it, put it back in it's box so to speak. It still pops up to greet me though, usually when I least expect it.
And here's the rub. I started work in the most beautiful place, a place that is restful, calming and healing for the soul up in the mountains and by the lake.
And wouldn't you know, it turned out to be a place where others I was in close contact with during day to day life, had also experienced very recent grief and loss of their own.
Additionally, within weeks of starting work here, there were two drownings in the lake and a para glider who was a much loved and respected local died on the mountain right beside work. At New Year, two of my family members lost loved ones in terrible circumstances and a little while later, I received news of a friend who'd also passed in tragic accident. Then there was the passing of a long term regular guest to my work place.
It was a big loud reminder that it doesn't matter what you do or where you go, tragedy and sadness is all around and at different times in life, we all experience grief and loss. You can't outrun it, you can't dodge it, you can't hide from it or pretend it doesn't exist because it does. Essentially, it can and will find you one way or another.
Speaking of which, the other irony has been around things I believed (or told myself) had been dealt with long ago. They all of a sudden started to pop up for a re-visit. It kind of goes like this... Ooh so it seems you're not quite finished with this, let's just bring that to the forefront for you to notice once again. What's there for you now? Is that a wee bit uncomfortable? Are there any lessons to be learnt or reflections to be had? Isn't it interesting how life works sometimes!
I think the reality is most of us are coping or managing to live through some type of grief at any given time. The line from the movie that says 'Love Actually, is all around'... could easily be substituted with the word grief.
Grief actually, is all around...
Love is talked about whereas grief can be seen as harder to discuss because of the emotions that come with it. People are often uncomfortable with that. Yet they are so interlinked to my way of thinking. As Queen Elizabeth II said, grief is the price we pay for love.
I've come to think it's also about acceptance, gratefulness, life lessons or reminders, the development of wisdom, empathy and compassion all rolled in together perhaps with a touch of some good old fashioned grace.
All of these deep and meaningful reflections around grief have provided yet another clear reminder to me how short and how tenuous life is. How important it is to do the things I have a burning desire to do, to chase my dreams and make them happen, to experience as much as I'd like to experience, to tell my loved ones that I love them, to let people know they are appreciated, to try not to let things weigh me down (easier said than done at times, I know!), to look for the positives rather than the negatives and last but not least, to be grateful.
I tend to be bit of a worrier at times and although I still have around 5 months before I need to return to Australia, I've already been thinking about how hard it's going to be to leave this place. And it will be very hard, I know that. I feel at home here and at peace. There's a part of me that does not want to leave. I absolutely love it and it holds a very special place in my heart.
However, when I was thinking about all this recently, the words popped into my head ... 'don't be sad that it's over, be grateful that it happened'. I've seen and heard this said before and I'm so glad those words came to me again. Very appropriate timing!
So with those words in mind, I will continue living each day with an attitude of gratitude, appreciating who and what is around me and look forward to seeing what each day brings. I will do what is right for me, follow my dreams and aim to live with few regrets.
Today on this first anniversary of Mum's death, I was very conscious of being here in another country away from my loved ones. I don't regret my choice to be here at all, but it's moments like these when I have that little twinge of 'I wish...'
I made plans to go away for the weekend and do a little exploring. It's such a gorgeous time of year to travel with the autumn colours. Late yesterday afternoon, I decided I'd do a nature cruise today at Akaroa. It turns out there was only myself and one other person on the cruise, plus two crew of course. How blessed was that? It was a truly wonderful way to enjoy the elements of nature without a crowd.
I feel so incredibly lucky to be enjoying life here in New Zealand. I love the very distinct seasons, each one arriving with noticeable changes to the temperatures and the landscape. Not to mention the little quirks such as sudden cold snaps mid summer that bring snow in the same week as over 30 degree (celcius) temperatures!
It's now autumn and the changing colours of the trees are gorgeous. The weather has cooled significantly and as I type, we are in the midst of another cold front that is bringing snow. Those who know me well are aware this means another flurry of snow pics are likely.
The summer was a little warmer than I expected but it is a much dryer (and for me, much more manageable!) heat than the tropical summers I've been experiencing the last few years. I can't say I missed the tropical humidity at all and it's nice to have a much shorter summer than I've been used to.
The camp site where I've been working was like a mini town during the summer with up to 1500 campers on site at any given time during the last week of December and all of January. In the evenings there would be groups of people socialising together and in the mornings I'd often wake to the sounds of jet boats starting up and skimming across the lake.
What I loved seeing was the little gangs or groups of kids everywhere. Kids on pushbikes everywhere, meet ups at the playground, fun in the lake, excitement at seeing their friends again and new friends made. Hearing kids ask each other what they've been doing, where they're from, how long they're staying here and everything else in between.
It was an incredibly busy time in the work place and I was blown away by the number of tourists through the summer season. There was nothing quiet about this little town I fell in love with some years ago, it was bumper to bumper tourists and I quickly learnt the supermarket is definitely not the place to be in the late afternoon/early evening. I admit to finding a little amusement in photographing the tourists taking photos.
Adding to the population explosion through summer was the large number of sporting events such as triathlons, national sky diving championships, jet boat races, cross country type bike races, and the rodeo to name a few. Mix them in with a couple of music festivals, the A & P Show and Warbirds Over Wanaka, it makes for a very hectic season.
The busyness in this area meant I started to explore a little further afield and I'd often shop at neighbouring towns instead. I discovered a few more favourite places and was able to buy delicious summer stone fruits from roadside stalls.
The cherries are to die for, both the red and white varieties and the plums are just the best. They seemed to follow me home each week and of course, apricots, nectarines and peaches all had a regular tasting too. Late summer brought the tastiest apples ever on the straggliest looking little tree at work. Nothing quite like living in a fruit growing area!
During the summer I also made the difficult decision to move out of where I'd been staying and live on site at work. I loved where I'd been living and my house mates were great to co-habit with, so it wasn't an easy decision and I was sad to leave.
I was initially living in a basic little cabin on site for 6-8 weeks, before moving to a bus for a month, then into a little caravan. It's all been an experience in itself and has been lots of fun in many ways. The best part is when I open the door each morning and my first sight is of the lake and the mountains, right at my doorstep! I never ever get tired of that.
In other news/updates/observations/ramblings from my adventures over the last couple of months -there are two movie theatres in town, one I've mentioned before is the quirky little Cinema Paradiso. The other is Ruby's which is the complete opposite and has a style and a grace that almost reminds you of yesteryear where going to the movies was an outing in itself.
Their movie theatres are small and intimate - the larger one holds around 37 people and the smaller one holds about 12. The seats are leather and oh so comfortable, with recliners in the smaller theatre. They have a small bar and will bring pre-ordered drinks/snacks into you at intermission. Going to the movies at Ruby's feels like a real treat and is one I've enjoyed a couple of times now.
In March, the local Agricultural & Pastoral Show was hosted at the grounds in the centre of town. It was great to see so many local stalls displaying everything you can think of and more. What I really loved was the fact there was no sideshow alley like many of the Aussie shows have, that are noisy, over priced and appear to have more focus on rides rather than showing more of what the local area is about. I had a lovely few hours wandering and enjoying all that was on display.
I went horse riding last month, something I'd been wanting to do again since the last time I was here. There is an equestrian centre not too far from where I work and the rides go through a forested area and a vineyard that has picturesque views of the lake.
Having spent much of my spare time as a teenager riding horses, it's one of those things I regret not continuing over the years. I'm older, stiffer and not quite as flexible as I once was though. For some reason my knee's decided it was time to make their presence felt in the most unpleasant fashion. Despite all that, I'm no quitter and I want to try again. And perhaps again. And maybe again, just to be sure.
I was recently gifted a pre-loved push bike and have been re-acquainting myself with the art of riding a bike gracefully. I'm nowhere near graceful yet, still rather wobbly in fact and after an eventful ride beyond the campground, I quickly realised it would have been really helpful to know how to change gears before I left and was faced with some steep little hilly bits.
On reaching my destination I also realised I'd somehow popped the chain off and had no idea how to put it back on so the bike and I had a leisurely walk back. I've decided it's probably best I stick within the camp ground for now until I'm more confident and less wobbly. The camp ground is 1.3 km long and is flat, so plenty long enough for a decent ride and the flat part probably helps immensely in this stage of my re-acquaintance.
I started doing a market stall at the base of the Remarkable's in Queenstown. It's a good little market with a lovely atmosphere in a beautiful location. The markets weren't as successful for me as I'd hoped, however, I had a lot of fun, met some nice people and it was another great experience that I will very likely do again in another location.
Oh and there is a little knitting news, yes I'm still knitting and I've actually made some useful things just recently. I made myself a beanie last week ready for the cold weather, along with some baby booties for a gift. This week I've started on a scarf as I somehow left my warm ones back in Aus. I have another couple of projects lined up, so it seems I may be a little hooked on this knitting thing. Knit Club started back last week with 18 people turning up. Lots of fun and laughter and knitting as always.
In my 'spare' time I enjoy getting out and about to soak up the scenery. There are lots of lovely walks, some short and others not as short, other times I drive just for the sake of seeing what's around the next corner or over that hill!
Oh and did I mention that autumn is beautiful so far?
Well that's about it for my belated catch up. The weather has turned rather cold and we've some snow about on the mountains. We're expecting some below zero temps a few nights this week, so it's a taste of what's to come in winter no doubt!
Until next time...
