I found Mum's funeral awful, not just for the obvious reasons but because it seemed so impersonal. I have to share some of the blame for that. I made an assumption that the minister leading Mum's funeral knew her well. It seems he didn't and instead her funeral service came across more as a sermon rather than the celebration of a life well lived.
There was no sharing of Mum's story, who she was, what she was about, what was important to her (other than her faith) and the life she lived. It was a missed opportunity to share about all those special things that made Mum who she was. She had strength and grace and a great sense of humour. While she had some views I didn't always agree with (I'm sure that's the same for many parent/child relationships!), she had a depth of compassion that I've come to appreciate more and more as I've grown older. She is missed in so many ways!
My move to NZ was something I had been mulling over for some time. When Mum passed, I found myself in turmoil, struggling to make a decision one way or another, then doubting decisions I had made. Eventually through it all, I decided to go ahead and take this year as some time out to reflect, to write and to explore the world around me a little more.
I also wanted to have a little space to deal with the grief or to be honest, to fill my life with new experiences in a bid to try not to think about it all so much. But grief's not like that is it? We can't run away from it, doesn't matter where we are.
I've always been aware of that and I guess I just thought this would be another, perhaps more positive way to deal with it, put it back in it's box so to speak. It still pops up to greet me though, usually when I least expect it.
And here's the rub. I started work in the most beautiful place, a place that is restful, calming and healing for the soul up in the mountains and by the lake.
And wouldn't you know, it turned out to be a place where others I was in close contact with during day to day life, had also experienced very recent grief and loss of their own.
Additionally, within weeks of starting work here, there were two drownings in the lake and a para glider who was a much loved and respected local died on the mountain right beside work. At New Year, two of my family members lost loved ones in terrible circumstances and a little while later, I received news of a friend who'd also passed in tragic accident. Then there was the passing of a long term regular guest to my work place.
It was a big loud reminder that it doesn't matter what you do or where you go, tragedy and sadness is all around and at different times in life, we all experience grief and loss. You can't outrun it, you can't dodge it, you can't hide from it or pretend it doesn't exist because it does. Essentially, it can and will find you one way or another.
Speaking of which, the other irony has been around things I believed (or told myself) had been dealt with long ago. They all of a sudden started to pop up for a re-visit. It kind of goes like this... Ooh so it seems you're not quite finished with this, let's just bring that to the forefront for you to notice once again. What's there for you now? Is that a wee bit uncomfortable? Are there any lessons to be learnt or reflections to be had? Isn't it interesting how life works sometimes!
I think the reality is most of us are coping or managing to live through some type of grief at any given time. The line from the movie that says 'Love Actually, is all around'... could easily be substituted with the word grief.
Grief actually, is all around...
Love is talked about whereas grief can be seen as harder to discuss because of the emotions that come with it. People are often uncomfortable with that. Yet they are so interlinked to my way of thinking. As Queen Elizabeth II said, grief is the price we pay for love.
I've come to think it's also about acceptance, gratefulness, life lessons or reminders, the development of wisdom, empathy and compassion all rolled in together perhaps with a touch of some good old fashioned grace.
All of these deep and meaningful reflections around grief have provided yet another clear reminder to me how short and how tenuous life is. How important it is to do the things I have a burning desire to do, to chase my dreams and make them happen, to experience as much as I'd like to experience, to tell my loved ones that I love them, to let people know they are appreciated, to try not to let things weigh me down (easier said than done at times, I know!), to look for the positives rather than the negatives and last but not least, to be grateful.
I tend to be bit of a worrier at times and although I still have around 5 months before I need to return to Australia, I've already been thinking about how hard it's going to be to leave this place. And it will be very hard, I know that. I feel at home here and at peace. There's a part of me that does not want to leave. I absolutely love it and it holds a very special place in my heart.
However, when I was thinking about all this recently, the words popped into my head ... 'don't be sad that it's over, be grateful that it happened'. I've seen and heard this said before and I'm so glad those words came to me again. Very appropriate timing!
So with those words in mind, I will continue living each day with an attitude of gratitude, appreciating who and what is around me and look forward to seeing what each day brings. I will do what is right for me, follow my dreams and aim to live with few regrets.
Today on this first anniversary of Mum's death, I was very conscious of being here in another country away from my loved ones. I don't regret my choice to be here at all, but it's moments like these when I have that little twinge of 'I wish...'
I made plans to go away for the weekend and do a little exploring. It's such a gorgeous time of year to travel with the autumn colours. Late yesterday afternoon, I decided I'd do a nature cruise today at Akaroa. It turns out there was only myself and one other person on the cruise, plus two crew of course. How blessed was that? It was a truly wonderful way to enjoy the elements of nature without a crowd.
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